The Pangs of Utopia

I was reading a letter from home to my cockney friend, Affle, who is perennially fascinated by
the golden American way of life in the golden United States. "It's going to be a slim Christmas,"
the lady wrote. "I'm still paying off for my broken leg."

"Payin' off," said Alfie, "Y-mean the guVmint don't pye fer 'er broken leg?"

"We're a free country," I told him proudly. "We pay for our own broken legs."

"Coo," said Alfie. "We're 'obbled with socialism over'ere. The guv'mlnt robs us of the pleasure of
pyln' our medical bills. It must be wonderful to be free of all that guv'mlnt interference. How long
will it tyke the poor woman to pye for 'er broken leg?"

"About 18 months, I think," I said. "Of course, she's broke-but free. That's the spirit of 1776."

"Certainly haln't the spirit of 1963." said Aifle cheerfully. "I hunnerstan' you Americans 'ave one
of the 'Ighest tax rates in the We world. Wot do you get fer yer Igh taxes?"

"Oh," I told him, "we get many of the good things of life. The moon probe."

"What's 'at?"

"We're preparing to land a man on the moon in 1970-or some such thing. It'll cost between $40
and $50 billion, I don't think any one really knows."

"Blimy," said Alfie. "We breaks 'is leg landin' on the moon wlll'e 'ave to pye for it?"

"No," I explained, "The government will pay for his broken leg because he's on government
service. It's only the taxpayers who pay for their own broken legs."

Alfie looked quizzical. "Wut uvver good things of life do you get fer them 'Igh taxes?"

"Well-" I thought a bit. 'The American taxpayer gets a lot of things. The Venus probe, for
example, we found out that the other side of Venus is just as hot as this side."

"That must be a grite comfort to the lady wif the broken leg," said Alfie. "She c'n warm'er broken
leg on the uvver side of Venus."

"We have private medical insurance plans. That's the democratic way," I said.
"Why didn't it pay this poor woman's bills then?"

I explained that she probably couldn't afford private medical insurance after paying her taxes.
And anyhow, private medical plans only paid part of the bills. "My daughter had an eye operation
that cost about $700. Blue Cross paid about $150 of it. My daughter also had a tonsils and
adenoids operation that cost $200. The Blue Cross paid $39."

'0I don't think 01 could afford ter live in so free a country," said Alfie. "OI'd much rather 'ave
the guVmint enslave me an' pye me bills."

"But we're free." I cried. "Free! Free!"

"Free to pye the bills," said Alfie cheerfully. "Tell me, guv'nor, are there any other countries as
gloriously free to pye its medical expenses as America?"

"Well, of course, there's Afghanistan, there's the Congo and Outer Mongolia. They're free too."

Alfie sniffed. "We calls'em backward."'